Articles, Blog

Jeff Sessions Gump Cold Open – SNL

November 9, 2019


♪♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>HELLO.
MY NAME IS JEFF, JEFF SESSIONS. WOULD YOU LIKE A CHOCOLATE?
>>NO, THANK YOU.>>ALL RIGHT, WELL I AM GOING TO
HAVE ONE. I AM THE ATTORNEY GENERAL OF THE
WHOLE UNITED STATES. I GOT TO MEET THE PRESIDENT AND
EVERYTHING. HE SHOOK MY HAND LIKE THIS.
BEING IN THE GOVERNMENT IS SO FUN.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN?>>NO, NEVER.
>>ALL RIGHT, WELL YOU MEET SO MANY NICE PEOPLE.
LIKE THIS. THIS IS MY BEST GOOD FRIEND
KELLYANNE. SHE AIN’T GOT NO LEGS.
WHY YOU AIN’T GOT NO LEGS, KELLYANNE?
WE’RE AS CLOSE AS PEAS AND CARROTS.
SHE IS THE BEST TALKER YOU EVER HEARD.
THEY SAY SHE COULD SELL STINK TO A SKUNK.
BUT THEY DON’T LET HER TALK NO MORE.
I MISS YOU KELLY. YOU SURE YOU DON’T WANT A
CHOCOLATE? I ALWAYS SAY, LIFE IS LIKE A BOX
OF CHOCOLATES. SURE ARE A WHOLE LOT OF BROWN
ONES IN THERE.>>NO.
ALL RIGHT, HAVE A GOOD DAY. I WAS ON THE COVER OF “THE NEW
YORK TIMES,” YOU WANT TO SEE?>>IT SAYS YOU MIGHT HAVE
COMMITTED PERJURY.>>YEAH, I HAD A BAD WEEK.
STARTED OUT REAL GOOD. THE PRESIDENT MADE A GREAT
SPEECH. FOLKS WERE THRILLED ON THE
ACCOUNT OF IT WAS REAL WORD ON A ROLL FOR A WHOLE HOUR.
WE WAS ALL AS HAPPY AS A MONKEY WITH A PEANUT MACHINE.
THEN I WANT TO BED, I GOT 800 MESSAGES AND PHONE ALERTS,
SAYING I WAS A SNEAKY LITTLE LIAR.
I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. SO MY LAWYER SAID, RUN, JEFFY,
RUN. I STARTED RUNNING, AND RUNNING.
I ENDED ALL THE WAY SITTING AT THIS BUS STOP WITH YOU.
>>WELL IT IS A NICE DAY FOR IT.>>MM.
THIS WHOLE MESS BEGAN WITH A CONGRESSIONAL HEARING.
THIS SENATOR FROM UP NORTH STARTED ASKING ME ALL THESE
QUESTIONS ABOUT, RUSSIA, IF I EVER TALKED TO THEM.
I GOT SO NERVOUS AND CONFUSED I GOT ABOUT AS WORKED UP AS A
DOUBLE DONGED PIGGY IN A ROOM FULL OF SOWS.
SO, I SAID NO, I NEVER TALKED TO NO RUSSIANS EVER.
THAT’S ALL I GOT TO SAY ABOUT THAT.
I DID TALK TO THE RUSSIANS. TWICE.
YOU KNOW, I MET WITH A FELLOW WHO TURNED
OUT TO BE RUSSIAN ON THE ACCOUNT OF HE WAS THE RUSSIAN
AMBASSADOR. HIS NAME WAS SERGEI KISLEYA.
I REMEMBER ANY NAME WITH GAY KISS IN IT.
BUT, I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO TALKED TO THE RUSSIANS.
WELL, ME AND MICHAEL FLYNN. SO JUST ME AND MICHAEL FLYNN.
AND J.D. GORDON. SO JUST ME, MICHAEL FLYNN, AND
J.D. GORDON, AND ALSO JARED KUSHNER AT TRUMP TOWER.
ME, MICHAEL FLYNN, AND J.D. GORDON AND
JARED KUSHNER AT TRUMP TOWER. AND CARTER PAGE.
AND THAT’S ALL I GOT TO SAY ABOUT THAT.
AND PAUL MANIFORT. I’M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER OF THESE
CHOCOLATES. I WISH I COULD GO BACK TO THE
WHITE HOUSE AND SEE MR. TRUMP. I MESS YOU, DONNIE.
DEMOCRATS WANT ME TO RESIGN. I JUST GOT TO PROVE TO EVERYBODY
THAT I DON’T HAVE ANY TIES TO THE RUSSIANS WHAT SO EVER.
[ APPLAUSE ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THIS MEETING NEVER HAPPENED.>>I WASN’T GOING TO REMEMBER IT
ANYWAY.>>HELLO.
>>HELLO. ARE YOU JEFF SESSIONS?
>>YES, MA’AM. I AM.
>>THE ONE CORETTA SCOTT KING WROTE THE LETTER ABOUT?
>>OH, WOW, WELL THAT WAS 40 YEARS AGO.
YOU STILL REMEMBER THAT.>>OH, A LOT OF PEOPLE IN
ALABAMA REMEMBER THAT, SIR. MY NAME’S MINNY, YOU DON’T KNOW
ME, I AM FROM A DIFFERENT MOVIE.>>UH-HUH.
>>AND I HAVE A PIE THAT I BAKED ESPECIALLY FOR YOU.
THANK YOU. THAT IS A MIGHTY KIND GESTURE.
THANK YOU. IT LOOKS DELICIOUS.
HEY, ITS THIS WHAT I THINK IT IS?
>>IT IS. MM.
MY FAVORITE. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT’S
SATURDAY NIGHT!

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100 Comments

  • Reply Samridh Singh June 29, 2018 at 6:28 pm

    Kate McKinnon WOW

  • Reply Chelsea French July 12, 2018 at 7:47 am

    I talked to the Russians

  • Reply big deezle July 15, 2018 at 6:28 pm

    Absolutely hilarious, im dead af😂

  • Reply Fuzzy Butkus July 23, 2018 at 5:24 pm

    Pretty good for a show that everyone says is over or that gets worse every year than bang right back to the top. Every time they restock with young comediennes

  • Reply Haunter Sam August 4, 2018 at 9:01 pm

    Hilarious! TYVM SNL. I DON’t do business on Russians.

  • Reply NOBEL DJ August 6, 2018 at 9:27 pm

    tell this to tom hanks when he didn’t think trump would be president

  • Reply sharon cook August 8, 2018 at 3:42 am

    😂..!😂..!😁!!!
    Old Racist Jeffey Sessions eatin Shit-pie.
    Xactly, the kind of dessert he deserve.

  • Reply Antonio Martinez August 16, 2018 at 3:12 am

    Genius !

  • Reply WILLOW HOUSTON August 17, 2018 at 3:41 am

    Love it!!

  • Reply Game point August 19, 2018 at 5:36 am

    When she gave home that pie 😣😣😣 and if you do t know what it is from it is crime a movie were she put her poop in it and gave to a mean white laddie

  • Reply Ellen ms August 26, 2018 at 1:14 pm

    👍

  • Reply Milena’s World August 31, 2018 at 11:19 pm

    I love the original Forrest Gump.🙂

  • Reply Ilyssaallison September 1, 2018 at 8:59 pm

    This is just as funny as it is sad about our government. The character is very good at depicting Mr. Sessions as not that bright, not expressing a lot of intelligence.

  • Reply Robert Williams September 3, 2018 at 11:01 pm

    Simple times…

  • Reply Roody September 8, 2018 at 3:35 pm

    .. "he shook my hand like this.." 🤣🤣🤣

  • Reply Zane Groenewald September 17, 2018 at 6:58 pm

    This should win an Emmy

  • Reply jordanmm325 September 21, 2018 at 2:13 pm

    kate mckinnon's jeff sessions is way better than the real jeff sessions.

  • Reply GibbyBree September 28, 2018 at 12:52 am

    Octavia Spencer, save the day!!

  • Reply Jerry Chamness October 1, 2018 at 3:45 am

    what it like a mud pie, crap pie, etc.?

  • Reply yo ma October 3, 2018 at 2:07 am

    wait but this is a good snl clip lol

  • Reply hypnocil10 November 5, 2018 at 1:24 pm

    idiots

  • Reply Kelvin Gilley November 6, 2018 at 10:27 am

    I had to watch this twice cuz I cudnt stop laughing @ that small @$$ bus!!

  • Reply Derek November 8, 2018 at 1:27 am

    Lulz, this idiot just got fired. Took it like a champ and just kept asking for it!

  • Reply jess alana November 8, 2018 at 2:44 am

    My second favorite duo 😂😭

  • Reply jess alana November 8, 2018 at 2:45 am

    Why u ain’t got no legs kellyanne 😂😭

  • Reply Antony Slack November 9, 2018 at 1:39 am

    Goodbye Jeff terrible knowing you. At least you recused yourself from the investigation. Bless you x

  • Reply Kev711 2001 November 9, 2018 at 5:59 am

    FIRED too lol

  • Reply Sophie Bredensteiner November 9, 2018 at 7:14 pm

    Now this is an oof

  • Reply Nathan Richardson November 9, 2018 at 11:27 pm

    Pulled another great skit off ,love snl

  • Reply cielo514 November 10, 2018 at 12:49 am

    I'm gonna miss Kate playing Jeff :'(

  • Reply La Dame en Rose November 10, 2018 at 6:41 am

    His name was Gaylord😂😂😂😂😂

  • Reply PC Repair Guy November 11, 2018 at 2:20 pm

    that lil racist got all the humiliation he deserves

  • Reply Rose Daya November 11, 2018 at 4:25 pm

    People that also spoke to " The Russians" : Hillary Clinton and Robert Muller (Uranium One) sadly Sessions was apart of that….and Tony and John Podesta and Bill Browder….SNL would be a lot funnier if they were Politically HONEST!

  • Reply stephen bernsen November 11, 2018 at 8:28 pm

    The forest gump impression sucked

  • Reply hipnhappenin November 12, 2018 at 7:41 am

    Kell-ay
    Donn-ay
    Amazing

  • Reply solitarymaninblack November 12, 2018 at 4:06 pm

    Vile racist in the comments quoting the Faggotron Milo.

  • Reply Erich Von Molder November 12, 2018 at 10:29 pm

    Now he is canned, probably waiting at another bus stop.

  • Reply cell pat November 14, 2018 at 4:35 pm

    4:12 – "Vlad, the barechested one." LoL!

  • Reply cell pat November 14, 2018 at 4:40 pm

    Kate McKinnon is the standout player of SNL's current cast. Gotta give them all credit that no politician is safe from being immitated by one of them. From Trump on down all of them.

  • Reply Pedro Villarreal November 15, 2018 at 4:31 pm

    This is so stupid, not the best work SNL has produced. The best SNL would be the shows from the 90's

  • Reply indranipandey November 19, 2018 at 8:51 pm

    One of the best snl s ever! Kate you go girl !!

  • Reply Liana H November 20, 2018 at 10:32 pm

    😂 the pie though God bless the help

  • Reply sustainably me November 24, 2018 at 6:12 am

    Yasss

  • Reply Caroline Champagne December 5, 2018 at 3:44 am

    How did anyone not love this?

  • Reply wolfjedisamuel December 6, 2018 at 2:36 pm

    Wow!
    Forrest Gump 2 is looking really fired up right now.

  • Reply shreya shahi December 15, 2018 at 4:22 pm

    Geniusly hilarious

  • Reply Jason Fraser December 28, 2018 at 4:24 am

    this lady is so talented….big fan

  • Reply pressure zone January 18, 2019 at 7:54 pm

    kyle looks so nice in that suit with that haircut!!!

  • Reply KISHA January 27, 2019 at 9:29 am

    I looooove Kate as Jeff Sessions….Hilarious… * I talked to the Russians…* 😂😂😂

  • Reply hsmathis January 27, 2019 at 5:11 pm

    LMAO

  • Reply Gaylord Focker February 5, 2019 at 8:20 pm

    Kate mckinnon is just angry know it all liberal

  • Reply Water , Fire , Wind. February 14, 2019 at 2:55 pm

    4:27 Bus sign "Citation Works 😆".

  • Reply Alisa Oliver March 3, 2019 at 12:50 am

    I talked to the Russians..I'm dead!!😂

  • Reply Alisa Oliver March 3, 2019 at 12:51 am

    And Putin shows up….again, I'm dead!!😂

  • Reply Alisa Oliver March 3, 2019 at 12:52 am

    Chocolate pie….dead on arrival!!!😂

  • Reply Jonny Steele March 10, 2019 at 1:15 am

    This meeting never happen I wasn’t going remember it any way lmfaorotf

  • Reply War pig Hammer March 10, 2019 at 6:04 am

    Man I can’t wait till snl starts on the parody’s about Hillary Clinton’s malfeasance . You know like the time she destroyed evidence. Or lied to the fbi. Or … well we all know what bill has done. And man it’s amazing that some people can just overlook such atrocities and wrongdoings .
    Not snl they are just awaiting the correct time. Trust me it’ll be amazing.
    Ball in your court snl kick it.

  • Reply Jayne Taylor March 11, 2019 at 6:13 pm

    Octavia Spencer is a Queen. I love Minnie. Kate McKinnon can play any character.

  • Reply Manly Bean March 13, 2019 at 9:24 am

    lol the poop pie

  • Reply EBM DJFULLMOON March 13, 2019 at 2:38 pm

    whos all here because of Mandela Effect

  • Reply Lan Turner March 14, 2019 at 1:20 am

    Ok but why are people getting off the bus and just sitting there?😂

  • Reply Heathen Heather March 19, 2019 at 2:45 am

    Best

  • Reply Ciel Phantomhive March 19, 2019 at 4:29 pm

    When Octavia Spencer came on I was like yeeeeesssssss!

  • Reply War pig Hammer March 23, 2019 at 5:27 pm

    All this information was in the emails Hillary gave to the fbi . . All the emails she turned over.

  • Reply Depcom March 25, 2019 at 8:17 am

    Definitely the most talented woman on television.

  • Reply pizza steve March 30, 2019 at 11:37 pm

    I just watched forest gump yesterday

  • Reply Heart2HeartBooks April 6, 2019 at 5:42 am

    I am a Trump supporter and I fucking love this !

  • Reply Sharon Jones April 9, 2019 at 10:54 pm

    “She ain’t got to legs”😂😂😂
    She is hilarious!!!

  • Reply Avery Baker April 25, 2019 at 2:27 am

    Why does this make me love him

  • Reply _throat_blood_ May 17, 2019 at 1:30 am

    I'm still laughing of how they put the help in there🤣🤣

  • Reply SneakySnakes May 30, 2019 at 12:12 am

    Too bad trump didn't collude with the russians, funny act though

  • Reply Dianne Frances Penuela June 4, 2019 at 6:56 am

    This skit has one of the best endings.

  • Reply Kirk The Notation June 15, 2019 at 11:42 pm

    This skit gets so much funnier when you see how much of a spot on it is to the original scene.

  • Reply Tim Sears June 20, 2019 at 12:19 am

    Freedom 2 smoke legal recreational marijuana 4 all Americans don't care what color u are is it our constitutional right yet

  • Reply Dan Morelli June 25, 2019 at 2:36 am

    Kate McKinnon as Jeff Sessions is strangley adorable.

  • Reply Madwrestler 145 July 5, 2019 at 12:25 am

    Looks like Megan Ropinoe

  • Reply Amanda Klaus July 14, 2019 at 6:49 pm

    The costume department is honestly killing it in this episode I love all of the outfits of the bus people

  • Reply twenty one cries for help July 20, 2019 at 7:45 pm

    "I remember any words with gay kiss in it…" waiit a minute here. Then again I cant talk

  • Reply thementokk July 26, 2019 at 6:56 am

    You liberal fags try too hard.

  • Reply Amen Ahabue August 2, 2019 at 5:40 pm

    For some odd reason, I don't find Kate McKinnon funny

  • Reply Patrick Daugherty August 2, 2019 at 8:35 pm

    Double dong piggy in a room full of salls. Wow

  • Reply Natalie Chica August 13, 2019 at 3:35 am

    Jeff sessions, Kellyanne Conway, Hillary Clinton, Rudy Giuliani. What political figure can’t she play! 💗

  • Reply AdamUzumaki 1298 August 21, 2019 at 12:29 pm

    4:13
    Beck Bennett, everybody!

  • Reply Anthony Borderline August 22, 2019 at 8:06 am

    I thought of a sketch where what Russia has against trump is not a video, but that he used to work in a team responsible of all the topless Putin photos. Only Trump gets weird about it, starts adding himself on the photos and stuff. So Vlad wants to get rid of him but can't KGB him because a pee video Melania has of him so he decides to send him as far as possible, all the way to america.

  • Reply Anthony Borderline August 22, 2019 at 8:07 am

    Or another one about some psychological tests and studies that prove too long red ties to have some unconscious effect on people. "the Red Tie Conspiracy"

  • Reply Anthony Borderline August 22, 2019 at 8:17 am

    I know my comments below have nothing to do with this sketch except in that this inspired those trains of thoughts.. Though the red tie-thing I've been wondering..

  • Reply jage August 23, 2019 at 9:32 am

    Awww…

  • Reply Ricky Ric September 4, 2019 at 4:51 am

    The white one looks like a little child sitting next to the black one

  • Reply Olivia September 9, 2019 at 1:14 pm

    Minus the hairdo, Beck Bennet looks good.

  • Reply Kuroashi 07 September 14, 2019 at 6:11 pm

    i already liked it before it even started may gad!!!!

  • Reply Sunny Wakefield September 25, 2019 at 2:10 am

    LOL

  • Reply Depcom October 4, 2019 at 9:34 am

    She's even beautiful when made up to be Jeff Sessions!

  • Reply Sun Shine October 4, 2019 at 1:51 pm

    I just watched The Help an hr or so back and I got this in my recommendations. Youtube is watching me!!!

  • Reply Night Gear October 4, 2019 at 9:09 pm

    FOREST

  • Reply Justin Gtay October 10, 2019 at 2:10 pm

    Nice one that is a great deal the most important thing and the most important part in a few minutes

  • Reply Truth Seeker October 22, 2019 at 3:01 am

    “I’ll miss you Kel-LAY”

  • Reply Exvettla October 26, 2019 at 1:35 pm

    Watching this in honor of her winning an Emmy

  • Reply Roman S October 27, 2019 at 11:57 am

    snl become sh.., unfortunally.

  • Reply Libby Szymczak October 28, 2019 at 1:11 pm

    best open of all time

  • Reply Rohrshack Mozes November 6, 2019 at 8:17 am

    "this is my favorite sketch in the whole wide world. …and that's all I gots to say about that" and then my homy said run Jeffrey RUN . and that's all I gots to say about that

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