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Fever | Black Books | Series 2 Episode 2 | Dead Parrot

November 9, 2019


Subtitles – Ripped
by RavyDavy – Part of the Crew Three 99s, please. I’m staring. I’m staring at women. It’s the heat, all the dresses.
It’s driving me nuts. It’s very hot. Too hot.
What’s the temperature? No, I’m not 12. – No, go away!
– Only trying to be nice. Sorry, I’m tired.
I haven’t slept in a week. My flat is suffocating. – What’s the temperature?
– Stop asking that, will you? – Mustn’t stare.
– You don’t stare at me. You’re my oldest friend. Anyway, you look like
you just fell out of a tree. Go home and get some rest. I can’t sleep there.
It’s like the walls are closing in on me. Look at her. I bet she washes her hair
in streams and milks things. She’s not even sweating.
Has she not glands? Jesus, it’s 81 degrees. 81! – Don’t block the frock.
– But it might get to 88. – And it can’t. It can’t!
– Shut up and have a cold bath. I should get a girlfriend before
I turn into one of those freaks – who just gawp at women.
– Yeah, yeah. I’m gonna lie down. Excuse me. Have you…? – Oh.
– One for you too. – You know what we want?
– We like different stuff. You’re going on holiday,
you want trash but different trash – you women want social themes,
believable characters. You want plots, suspense.
This’ll do you both. This temp’s 29, she can’t get
a boyfriend. Oh, my God. – Sounds great.
– No way. And she’s got 12 hours
to stop a nuclear war. – All right.
– One each, then. Get out. Women think
you’re my girlfriend. Go. Just for a few hours.
In my place I lie there writhing and sticky and glistening… Stop it! I’m getting a summer
girlfriend till this wears off. She’ll be a summery girl, with hair and summery friends
who know how to be outside. She’ll play tennis and
wear dresses and have bare feet. And in the autumn I’ll ditch her!
Cos she’s my summer girl. Come on, get up! Go home! Get up! Bye-bye! 88. What’s the big deal?
What happens to you? – You don’t wanna know.
– I do. – No, you don’t.
– Don’t do that! I want to know even more
if you tell me I don’t. Trust me, you don’t wanna know. Well, you don’t wanna know
why I want to know. – Oh? Why’s that?
– Ha! See? – I have a condition.
– What? What’s it called? Dave’s syndrome. You’re making this up.
It’s like your fudge thing. You have to eat lots because… Stops me going deaf. Yeah, and the other one.
What… You only travel in vans. No! The other way!
Never let me be put in a van! It’s rubbish! Attention-seeking rubbish. Hi. Do you have a book…? Thank you. Would you like a cool one?
Lovely on a hot day. Cool books? Straight from the fridge. Oh, thank you. Ohhh… Ohhhhh. OK, if I told you that the walls of my flat were actually moving in,
would you think I was strange? No, I’d ask you to come round
and look after my small children. If you don’t believe me,
come round and we’ll watch the wall. No, we’ll be watching the thermometer.
Won’t we, Bernard? It’s an impossible choice –
walls, thermometers… I’ll just have to hope when I flip the coin
it explodes and kills me. Fran! Hello. How’s it going? Might be a slight rent increase soon. Price of light bulbs. What’s this – 2B?
There was never a 2B… This is a new door. You have moved my bloody wall
and put a room in. You’re funny, Fran! It’s a Victorian house. A lot of them were built
with redouble perspective. You might think a room’s
twice as big or small as it really is. There was never a flat here. It’s the heat, love…
playing tricks with your mind. No, don’t. That’s rude, love. Hello. Oh, hi. Are you in 2A? I’m in 2. There is no 2A. Oh, come on.
This flat’s always been here. Remember the Bracewells?
And the Guptas? Little Sanjay with his trumpet practice. Mr Marchman, I meant to ask you
to fix the peephole. I can see into the flat from out here
but I can’t see out. – It’s weird.
– Soon, love, soon. Don’t listen to him, he’s making this up,
this is a new room! – She’s a bit…
– I am not a bit… Would you like to have a coffee
and talk about this? Oh, yeah. Coffee that I spilt,
you picked up with tweezers and now you’re gonna serve it to me. OK, that was mad.
But the rest is true. – I want my flat back!
– Girls, girls… girls. You’re both such lovely girls. You’ll be sharing sugar in no time. Don’t fight. And if you do, fight nice with pillows and… jimjams. The heating’s on! I want to see what happens
to you at 88 degrees. – Don’t do that again.
– You’re making this up. I will have no malingerers in my shop.
Go and fetch my lolly. It was the landlord. He moved my wall and put in another flat and now there is this woman
in my space. – What’s she like?
– Oh, you know the type. They’re all, “Helloooo,” and “Hiiii. ” She even asked me in for coffee.
A really clever bitch. I think you should get a lawyer. Expensive. Get someone
to pretend to be one. Someone who’s like a lawyer –
arrogant, cruel, crooked, a liar, a real bastard,
that’d sort them out. – No, I’m not doing it.
– Oh, go on. When you get a girlfriend,
I’ll give you a reference. I’ll lie for you, say you’re OK. All right. Deal. Not so fast. I represent Fran Katzenjammer
from flat 2, she’s my client, and I’m a hotshot lawyer
like on television. – So what’s the problem exactly?
– My client’s room is smaller. It’s illegal to steal space under the European Act
of Legislation which happens… in a court. Her room’s the same as always.
I’ve got the measurements. – Don’t evade the question.
– Eh? – Just answer the question!
– What question? Hmm? Oh. Sorry. Where were you
when the rooms were measured? – I was…
– Ha, ha, ha! Oh! So where was the room? 2B’s always been there,
you can see for yourself. Damn right, before I send this building
downtown to the boys in the lab. I’m sequestering these as evidence. And I’m issuing you with
a decree of… sub… ju… dae. Subjudae! You are under a legal subjudae
to stay there until… Until such time as… …Simon says, “Stand up”. – Hello?
– All rise. Hello. I am Bernard Black from
Black Hingley &… Whoohoey Associates. You’re accused of space thievery. – I’ve come to measure the room.
– Why? Don’t kid around, sister, you could spend the next
20 years in the electric chair. But I’ve done nothing wrong. How could you? Look at you. You’re a summer flower.
Here, have a judge’s bun. Thank you. Come in. Look. I don’t understand her next door. Oh, forget her. She’s a mad bitch. But I don’t want to have to go to court. Don’t worry, I’ll represent you. Really, I wanted somewhere a bit bigger. Maybe I’ll just move. Cos in the summer, I like having a sense
of light and airiness and space. You know, like something Georgian. That’s incredible.
Since you’ve been here it seems bigger. Feng shui is nine-tenths of the law. – What are you doing?
– I’m literally jumping for joy. This is gonna be
the best summer yet. I love you. It is! Bernard, you arsehole! Er, I’ll call, OK? I’ve got to go.
Lengthy trial coming up, I have to get wig extensions. OK? Bye. You have no idea how easy it is to get a girlfriend if you’re me,
which you’re not. – It’s 84 degrees!
– Relax, I got you a present. The latest thing.
It actually sucks out your body heat if you fill it with boiling water
and wear it all the time. – And you will stay with me…
– I’m a boyfriend now, I’ve got duties –
sighing and holding hands and not finishing sentences. You and the sun will
have to battle it out alone. Excuse me. I bought this for
someone and they don’t want it. I was wondering if I could change it.
Maybe for the money. Sand. Manny? Sardinia, south. Portoscuso. The little beach
by the old monastery. – Get out.
– Damn. You bastard! You nine-sided whore! I had to, she was gonna leave! I’m your oldest friend! And I can’t sleep! – It’s just for the summer.
– Forget it. I am going to have
blissful slumber tonight. Forget your summer bunny. Fran, he won’t help me in the heat.
Can I stay with you? There’s no room! Yeah, I know.
But there’s two different kinds. There’s bad asbestos
and there’s nice asbestos. Anyway, it grows on you. Yeah, don’t worry. Bye! Hello, Mr Landlord. I’ve got a complaint. – Oh, yeah?
– Yes. It’s my bed. It’s just too damn big for little me. Your room’s too small,
your bed’s too big… Look… I think we can work it out… in-in… in the bed. I don’t understand. It’s very simple. Look – You’re there, OK, and I’m there. Or the other way around.
Don’t care. Too tired. Let me get this straight –
you’re offering… you are actually offering… I am actually offering you me, yes. Me. Yours. To enjoy. Like an éclair or… a day at the zoo. Eh? Sex! Sexy… sex! Oh! Anything for a tenant! When you put the room back
the way it was. Should I bring this? Mmm. Bernard, this thermal jacket you bought
me isn’t working. I feel quite warm. Trust me, it’s what
the astronauts use to keep cool. – Is space hot?
– Of course it is! Where else do you think
we get pineapples from? I hope you’re wearing
your Heat-B-Gone booties. – Where are you going?
– Out. Courtship calls. I’m getting Alice chocolate,
flowers, chocolate flowers, florets of chocolate,
it’s a truckload of woo. It’s 86 degrees, you can’t leave me,
it might hit 88. I’m scared, Bernard, please don’t go. Oh, you mustn’t get to 88 degrees.
Why is that again? – You don’t wanna know.
– You’re right, I don’t. Bernard, please!
Bernard, please, please! Please don’t leave me. Please, Bernard. Please don’t leave me. Please! I’ll tell you! I’ll tell you
what happens at 88 degrees. Oh! Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you. Thank you, Bernard. Oh, bless you. Thank you, Bernard, thank you.
Oh, thank you, Bernard. – I forgot my wallet.
– What? Oh… no! Please! Please! Aaaah. No, the flat’s great. No more trouble
from the mad neighbour. But the lawyer guy who sorted it out,
he turns out to be a freak. I can’t move for
all the flowers he’s sent. Yes, and fancy presents. And awful, awful poems. Listen to this one. “Think of a bee, you are its knees “You waft through me
like a summer’s breeze “Can I come round Tuesday, please?” I know. Terrible! I know. The wine’s nice, though. Just a skirting board bolt. Won’t look like it’s moving now.
Not that it ever did, mind. Great, thanks. This… other problem… – Sorry?
– The difficulty with the bed. Oh, no, the bed’s fine. I love my bed. We talked about the bed. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. You must be thinking
about someone else. It’s been hot today,
and that can play tricks with your mind. But… I moved the wall back for you. Don’t be silly. The wall never moved. – You said.
– Yeah… Call you next time the toilet’s blocked. Er… Brrr! Brrrrr! Cold, cold. Brrr, brrrr! Cold. Not working! 86! 86 degrees! Use the power of the mind.
Think of cold things! Oh, no! A blizzard! I’d like a copy of Tempocalypse, please. Go! Go away! Icy winds! Dangerous here! – Go!
– Please, go on. Oh, all right. What? Where are the books? Oooh. Bye, then! Piss off! Hello! Come to serenade you.
I can’t play guitar. I can’t play this either
but it might be less obvious. So if you could look wistful… – No, thanks. Goodbye.
– Where are you going? Somewhere else. I’ve had enough.
The flat’s small, then it’s huge, now it’s a closet
full of flowers and truffles. – I am not interested. OK?
– But-but… – Get lost!
– No, no! My summer girlfriend doesn’t get angry. You laugh as we cycle
around the Cotswolds in a taxi. You flick the cherry off the pie
just like Auntie Nibbs did. What? Freak. Stop! – Bernard.
– Stop! She’s breaking the law! Forget it. She was never your girlfriend. It’s just the heat playing tricks
with your mind. There’s nothing wrong with my mind! You’re wearing an accordion. Listen, this whole thing,
we’re old friends. Don’t you think it’s about time
now that we admitted that we’re hugely attracted
to one another? Just for the summer. No, I don’t. I think we should wait a bit. Till when? Yeah? Mmm… when? Until at least one of us is dead? – Let’s get a drink, then.
– OK. But not at the shop. I don’t want to hear how hot Manny is. What was the name he made up
for that condition? I don’t know. Some nonsense. Blake’s syndrome,
Blaine’s syndrome, some rubbish. Yaaaaah! Poor bloke. Dave’s syndrome.

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54 Comments

  • Reply koulokoe November 28, 2017 at 5:49 pm

    I want to ride on mannies cock and call him daddy allnight long

  • Reply Razzy194 December 2, 2017 at 9:20 pm

    ok good

  • Reply Samuel Robinson December 16, 2017 at 2:01 am

    Why can't they make comedy like this anymore??

  • Reply Robert B December 24, 2017 at 9:44 am

    You are a saint, Dead Parrot. Minus all the implications about diddling kids.

  • Reply PyrozPlayground January 10, 2018 at 1:37 pm

    13:33 Wait.. why are they measuring temperature in Fahrenheit? 0_o

  • Reply mitchcee C January 13, 2018 at 9:46 pm

    Why are they using fahrenheit?

  • Reply Lina Vidmar January 17, 2018 at 1:00 pm

    bernard has the best ''lolly'' I have seen in my life 🙂

  • Reply edward lubin February 26, 2018 at 1:45 am

    brilliant!

  • Reply Keith Leeuwen March 31, 2018 at 9:39 am

    GREAT !

  • Reply Toten Kira May 5, 2018 at 6:49 pm

    Hah damn, being from Texas, 88 degrees really isn’t that hot

  • Reply Toten Kira May 5, 2018 at 7:08 pm

    I also feel like he was way past 88 degrees a long time ago, wearing all that shit

  • Reply Justin Reyez May 23, 2018 at 11:42 am

    I need a light jacket at 84F

  • Reply Mike Forester September 3, 2018 at 8:41 pm

    THERE'S … NO … RUMMuhh

  • Reply Jess Wolfe September 9, 2018 at 6:15 am

    Does wine actually freeze like that?

  • Reply Dr Moriarty September 23, 2018 at 2:47 pm

    That diagram at 15:59 violates the Trade Descriptions Act of 1968 in, oh, so many different ways…

  • Reply Ron Pogue October 1, 2018 at 2:57 am

    "Sardinia, South, Porto Scudo, the little beach by the old monastery."

  • Reply 108johnny October 12, 2018 at 9:09 pm

    Fudge keeps me from going deaf.
    That's my new excuse!
    Google "5 minute microwave Nutella fudge"- it could save your hearing!

  • Reply prinsmarsvin October 13, 2018 at 8:43 pm

    Hey! It's Johnny Vegas!

  • Reply USERNAMEfieldempty October 19, 2018 at 8:21 pm

    Despite all my politically correct training and genuine respect for women and understanding of the modern zeitgeist…. I would love to bang Tamsin Greig seven ways till Sunday. Oh…. my… God… she is so ridiculously irresistible

  • Reply patricia amaro October 28, 2018 at 8:23 pm

    This year in August in Portugal the hottest day was 45 celsius (113)Fahrenheit. My brain almost melted….

  • Reply Misfit 636 December 18, 2018 at 5:10 am

    Katzenjammer is a cutie

  • Reply JanPospisil42 December 26, 2018 at 9:26 pm

    Years of wondering later, I did the conversion. It's only 31 degrees Celsius!
    Shows what passed for "super hot" weather back in the day. And in the UK.

  • Reply Alexi Beck January 7, 2019 at 12:33 am

    This is the most cringeworthy episode

  • Reply Nick Larocco January 9, 2019 at 9:57 pm

    When I was in London a few years back it was 96 almost every day. There were a lot of people suffering from Dave's Syndrome that summer, poor blokes.

  • Reply dragonaffliction23 January 22, 2019 at 4:32 pm

    I can't believe I didn't see this show until now but the upside is at least now I know what Daisy's father was up to all those years before the Agents of Shield found him.

  • Reply Lisa C January 25, 2019 at 1:36 am

    'you never stare at me' – 'you're my oldest friend….besides you look like you fell out of a tree' – AHHHHHH FRIENDSHIP

  • Reply sexobscura January 29, 2019 at 12:24 am

    …..and the Tribes of Gethsemane all gathered to sniff at the Walls of Remembrance 4:43 21:03

  • Reply LakesideAmusementPro February 14, 2019 at 8:13 pm

    If Manny gets up to 88 degrees, you’re gonna see some serious shit.

  • Reply Evan AB February 21, 2019 at 12:26 am

    Don't the English have air conditioning?

  • Reply Evan AB February 21, 2019 at 12:35 am

    Is the 88 degree guy some sort of lizard he should always be around 98.6 degrees…? Also how does getting himself warmer make the room warmer if indeed he isn't referring to his internal temperature and instead he means that the ambient temp can't go above 88 degrees? Kidding it's still silly! This show is growing on me!

  • Reply Margherita Martinelli March 5, 2019 at 3:43 pm

    Bernard's the tallest hobbit I've ever seen.

  • Reply Lily Trasler March 6, 2019 at 7:52 am

    12:03 i love that Bernard just has '88' post-it-notes all over his back

  • Reply Serdar Ulusoy April 9, 2019 at 12:30 am

    Girls, Girls, GIRRRLSS!, Fight nice with pillows and jimjams, -Sub…ju..dae, -20 years in electric chair -Nice asbestos!

  • Reply Shayn Keyes May 31, 2019 at 10:05 pm

    "if I told you the walls of my flat were actually moving in would you say I was strange?"
    "No I'd ask you to come 'round and look after my small children" 😂😂😂

  • Reply Aurora Marie Almeara June 3, 2019 at 2:12 pm

    Arizona 124

  • Reply Daniel Cropp June 14, 2019 at 10:29 am

    All I want to say is, I'm American and I don't want to reflexively defend the Fahrenheit system like some of us may do. Honestly, the rest of the world uses Celsius, we should use Celsius too. Oh, snap, that rhymed!

  • Reply toxigenic June 23, 2019 at 1:33 am

    Wasn't Fran's red-headed neighbor the same girl who played the daft chick who worked with Linda at the factory in Gimme Gimme Gimme?

  • Reply Krissy S June 26, 2019 at 12:22 am

    14:00 literally my one manager at work…..theres a hair in this bag, cat, long haired, persian….you know the way out.

  • Reply Tom Gray July 9, 2019 at 12:24 am

    How all accordions should be treated.

  • Reply Goog Elle July 11, 2019 at 12:42 am

    14:34 "You nine-sided WHORE!"

    I'm gonna use this insult all the time now. 😀

  • Reply skylilly1 July 27, 2019 at 3:05 am

    "don't block the frock" LOL

  • Reply Derg HAZE July 28, 2019 at 6:38 am

    You're wearing an Accordion.

  • Reply Nx Doyle August 3, 2019 at 8:00 am

    I'm told that London has been quite warm, even hot during summer in recent years. Trivia note, the forecast for London tomorrow (August 3, 2019) is 24°C/75°F. That's exactly the same temperature forecast as my hometown, Brisbane. The only difference is that it's mid-winter in Brisbane.

  • Reply Gary Cooper August 7, 2019 at 10:59 pm

    It’s a little hard to believe people in the UK feel hot when it’s 81 degrees (F). It’s 101 degrees here today.

  • Reply Phaota August 11, 2019 at 7:41 pm

    Funny that they are playing like it is sweltering, yet Bernard is wearing a jacket. If it was so hot, that would be the first thing to ditch, as well as long sleeves.

  • Reply James Hudson August 12, 2019 at 4:36 am

    i notice dr martin quoting a child's temperature as 104º. presumably that'a be in farhenheit.

  • Reply James Cashin August 30, 2019 at 6:24 pm

    Do british people not have air conditioners?

  • Reply K Young September 17, 2019 at 1:46 pm

    Bernards the only one not in summer clothes

  • Reply Guy B September 18, 2019 at 9:09 am

    18:28 the poem is actually 🔥

  • Reply Kurt Cotton-Kinch September 24, 2019 at 6:18 am

    Think of a bee
    you are its knees
    you waft through me like a summer breeze
    can I come by tuesday please?

  • Reply Staudinka October 10, 2019 at 7:45 pm

    "I'll just have to hope when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me!"

  • Reply Justin Reyes October 18, 2019 at 5:28 am

    Oh man were lucky to get 81 degrees here in California in the winter…. but I like it. Btw why is this episode using Fahrenheit???

  • Reply IEl tr October 22, 2019 at 6:33 pm

    Thede characters have an incredible warmth. Humans before mobiles take over consciousness.

  • Reply Martin Mills October 28, 2019 at 9:05 pm

    I don’t know exactly why, but I prefer the first season. This feels different, less surreal and charming. Is it just me?

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