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A Trump Advisor Says Only God Prevents The Flu

November 15, 2019


THE 2018 WINTER OLYMPICS STARTED
TONIGHT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND ONE EVENT IS GOING TO BE TOTALLY DIFFERENT THIS YEAR,
BECAUSE FOR FIRST TIME, FIGURE SKATERS CAN NOW USE MUSIC WITH
LYRICS! IT’S THE BIGGEST UPDATE TO THE
OLYMPICS SINCE THEY LET ALL THOSE NUDE WRESTLERS PUT ON
PANTS. LAUGH
NOW, THE INTERNATIONAL SKATING UNION CHANGED THIS RULE AFTER
THE SOCHI OLYMPICS AS A WAY TO INCREASE THE SPORT’S POPULARITY
AND APPEAL TO A YOUNGER AUDIENCE. YEAH, KIDS! GET INTO SKATING NOW, WHILE WE
STILL HAVE ICE.( LAUGHTER )
BUT FIGURE SKATING MUSIC HAS
ALWAYS HAD LYRICS. THEY JUST ALWAYS GET CUT BECAUSE
THEY’RE TOO DISTRACTING. LUCKILY, WE FOUND SOME RARE
FOOTAGE THAT STILL HAS THEM.( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: YEAH!
I’M SO LOOKING FORWARD TO IT!>>Jon: I CANNOT WAIT.>>Stephen: I CANNOT WAIT. I’M IN FAVOR OF THE LYRICS.>>Jon: YEAH, I LIKE THE
LYRICS. THEY’RE GREAT. WE’RE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF FLU
SEASON, AND THIS IS A PARTICULARLY BAD ONE. ANYBODY HAD THE FLU THIS YEAR? SECURITY, REMOVE THEM, PLEASE. FLU HOSPITALIZATIONS ARE
SKYROCKETING, AND 48 STATES ARE EXPERIENCING WIDESPREAD
ILLNESSES, LEAVING ONLY TWO HEALTHY STATES, WHICH FINALLY
EXPLAINS WHY ALASKA AND HAWAII ARE QUARANTINED IN THOSE
LITTLE BOXES. NOW, DOCTORS RECOMMEND GETTING A
FLU SHOT TO PROTECT YOURSELF, BUT IF YOU REALLY DON’T WANT TO
GET SICK, YOU’RE BETTER OFF LISTENING TO TRUMP ADVISOR AND
WOMAN ORDERING MAID TO EMPTY OUT HER PURSE, GLORIA COPELAND. COPELAND IS A CHRISTIAN MINISTER
AND A MEMBER OF TRUMP’S EVANGELICAL ADVISORY BOARD. THEY’RE THE ONES WHO ADVISE
TRUMP TO TURN THE OTHER CHEEK WHEN BEING SPANKED BY PORN
STARS.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU GOT TO EVEN IT OUT.
YOU GOT TO EVEN IT OUT. EVEN SWELLING. EVEN OUT THE SWELLING. AND GLORIA COPELAND HAS SOME
PRETTY UNCONVENTIONAL THEORIES ON HOW TO AVOID THE FLU.>>INOCULATE YOURSELF WITH THE
WORD OF GOD. JESUS HIMSELF GAVE US THE FLU
SHOT.>>Stephen: REALLY? I HAD NO IDEA JESUS WORKED AT
CVS! PULL AN EXTRA SHIFT. PULL A NIGHT SHIFT. BUT IF YOU’RE STILL WORRIED
ABOUT COMING DOWN WITH THE FLU, COPELAND’S GOT A SUREFIRE
WAY TO AVOID IT:>>SO GET ON THE WORD. STAY ON THE WORD. AND IF YOU SAY, “WELL, I DON’T
HAVE ANY SYMPTOMS OF THE FLU,” WELL, GREAT, THAT’S THE WAY IT’S
SUPPOSED TO BE. JUST KEEP SAYING THAT, “I’LL
NEVER HAVE THE FLU.>>Stephen: TRUE, BECAUSE IF YOU
WALK AROUND CONSTANTLY TALKING TO YOURSELF, NO ONE’S GONNA WANT
TO GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO GIVE YOU THE FLU.( APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪
IT SEEMS LIKE STRANGE ADVICE,
BUT MAYBE SHE GOT SOME INTEL FROM THE LORD HIMSELF. I DON’T KNOW.>>NO, SHE DIDN’T, STEPHEN.>>Stephen: HEY, GOD. IT’S THE LORD, EVERYBODY! SAY HI!>>HEY, EVERYBODY.>>Stephen: WELL, SO HOW ABOUT
IT, LORD? CAN YOU PREVENT PEOPLE FROM
GETTING THE FLU?>>HECK, NO! I CAN’T EVEN KEEP MYSELF FROM
GETTING THE FLU.( SNEEZES )
ME, BLESS ME.
LAYOFF LAUGH.>>Stephen: WAIT A SECOND,
LORD, YOU’RE SICK?>>OH, I GOT IT BAD, STEPHEN. I GUESS I DIDN’T PRAY ENOUGH.>>Stephen: ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE
IN HEAVEN SICK?>>BIG TIME. MOTHER TERESA’S SUPER STUFFED
UP, JACKIE ROBINSON’S BEEN BARFING ALL WEEK. STALIN SEEMS HEALTHY, THOUGH. GOOD GENES, I GUESS.>>Stephen: WAIT, STALIN’S IN
HEAVEN?>>I FORGIVE ALL, STEPHEN. NEXT QUESTION.( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: SO, HOW ARE YOU
TREATING THIS ONE?>>WELL, I’VE BEEN SUCKING DOWN
BENADRYL LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW. BUT DON’T GET BEHIND THE WHEEL
WHEN YOU’RE ON THAT STUFF. YESTERDAY, I DOZED OFF AND
CRASHED MY DATSUN INTO A MAILBOX. I HAD TO FLEE ON FOOT BEFORE THE
COPS SHOWED UP. I CAN’T GO BACK TO PRISON.>>Stephen: GOD, EVERYONE! I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER, LORD.>>OH, THANKS, STEPHEN.>>Stephen: WE’VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. NATHAN LANE IS HERE! BUT WHEN WE RETURN, JOHN OLIVER
PUTS HIS HEAD IN A BOX. STICK AROUND!

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